We live in desperate times. Hard times call for hard alcohol, and hard alcohol calls for a suitably robust name.

We yearn for a whiskey that communicates to the world that we wear our cirrhosis like a red badge of courage. One glance at its label should compel our lessers to drop their jaws to the floor (among the countless piles of ladies undergarments that have likewise dropped in response to the whiskey). The mere mention of this whiskey should spontaneously castrate all the unworthy who hear it.

We ask Ballast Point Spirits to please consider naming their forthcoming whiskey "Cap'n McLiverstabby's Shark Venom". For America.