We, the undersigned, demand that ITV immediately commissions a new series entitled Im a celebrity Hells Kitchen Chef on Ice.
The show will feature ice-skating boy band drop-outs and talent show second-placers, whove found the supermarket-opening gigs have dried up, competing to find the most tasty way to serve Witchetty Grubs to a bleep-tastic Gordon Ramsay kept artificially sweary on a diet of shark adrenalin.
Each week, the two celebrities with the lowest public vote must save themselves from eviction by coming up with the tastiest recipe for the others spleen the winning recipe to be carved and cooked in a live organ eviction special.
We, the undersigned, believe that the utmost depths of TV banality have not yet been plumbed and demand that ITV recognise that fact and take steps to rectify the situation right now.