Colbert for Keynote

To:  Stephen Tyrone Colbert

Hereto and undersigned are the names of students, scholars, and sycophants hereby recommending the inclusion of Stephen Tyrone Colbert as keynote speaker of the 2006 Graduation at Middle College High School. Our second option is Colin Powell, the world’s lone talking prostate, so please, please assist our efforts.

When we first set out to list intriguing B-list celebrities, we immediately encountered a problem. They all suck, or are in prison, or served on Jimmy Carter’s Department of Health and Human Services. On an aside, why censure Jimmy Carter? He looks like such a nice guy. In fact, I want to shake the man’s hand. Some crazy, bearded Persians storm the American embassy in Iran and he’s pinned as a political scapegoat. I’ve heard of fallout and track approval polls, but, dudes, he isn’t accountable for an Ayatollah’s brash political maneuverings. Allah, he’s a peanut farmer. Honestly, in a physical contest between Jimmy and Colin, I’ll take the frail white guy. In fact, I will sacrifice graduation and all its bitter, pointless formalities to see Jimmy Carter, 2002 Nobel laureate, mud wrestle Colin Powell, bitter, black man. I don’t hate Colin, honestly. He’s a decorated man, sports huge shoulders, stepped on a Punji stick, and could probably split my leg in two. But that’s not the point. The point, presented with clarity and categorically endorsed, is that Stephen Colbert must give our keynote address.

Support the graduating class of Middle College High School. Support our efforts to recruit Colbert’s wit, grace, charm, and handsome hair as our keynote speaker.

Sincerely,

The Undersigned

The Colbert for Keynote Petition to Stephen Tyrone Colbert was created by and written by Kevin Erstwhile (SyndicatedCynic@gmail.com).  This petition is hosted here at www.PetitionOnline.com as a public service. There is no endorsement of this petition, express or implied, by Artifice, Inc. or our sponsors. For technical support please use our simple Petition Help form.

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