Greetings:

We, the right-thinking people of the United States, do hereby submit this petition to the Congress of the United States and the Interior Department of the United States. Our purpose is to recarve the four faces on Mount Rushmore.

Our Rationale:

The current four faces; George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, and Theodore Roosevelt, are unacceptable in today's political climate. George Washington was a bleeding-heart liberal who freed his slaves when he died. Thomas Jefferson as a "democrat," for crying out loud! Abraham Lincoln, although a Republican, mistakenly fought on the wrong side in the Civil War. Plus, he was another bleeding-heart liberal who freed the slaves of the South. Finally, Theodore Roosevelt was a tree-hugging liberal who thought the National Parks should be "conserved" rather than developed for profit. The near treasonous actions of these men are reason enough to chisel their faces off Mount Rushmore.

Our Solution:

Mount Rushmore is an important National Monument. Therefore, in place of the former, discredited faces, we the right-thing people of the United States propose the following four faces be added.

1. Richard M. Nixon. A true American hero who faced down the Chinese and brought honor and dignity to the White House.

2. Ronald W. Reagan. A genuine intellectual thinker, President Reagan brought us victory in the Cold War.

3. George H. W. Bush. The father of modern political intrigue. Plus, it was the seed of his loins that produced the greatest president of them all.

4. George W. Bush. The Lord and Savior of the United States of America.

Conclusion:

We ask that there be no delay in this. A bill authorizing the recarving of Mount Rushmore with the faces of Nixon, Reagan, Bush, & Bush should be attached to the bill authorizing the lifetime presidency of George W. Bush. We, the right-thinking people of America want this, and we want it now!