Just Say No to Pre-Marital Vacuum Sex

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In light of recent events (a man in Michigan was arrested for making love to a car wash vacuum, http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081018/ap_on_fe_st/odd_vacuum_sex), we wish to urge the American people to commit to a lifelong vow of celibacy with your vacuum until such time is appropriate in the eyes of our loved ones and our God.