With this petition, I propose we follow the sterling example that animal groups such as PETA have shown us, and attempt to end animal cruelty. Every year, millions of animals are tortured, killed, and maimed by human hands. Through the hazards of dangerous chemical testing, to the food we put on our dinner plates, animal cruelty has reached an all time high, and it must be stopped now!

The solution I propose, which has not yet been approved by lawmakers, is that we replace our cruelty to animals with cruelty to humans. I propose that chemical and cosmetic testing be performed on humans instead of animals, specifically the criminal trash filling up our prisons, and eating all of our rib eye steak for dinner. In the same way that cows our molested and fondled on a daily basis by their cruel farmer taskmasters, I propose that we look to our female prisons for a new source of the delicious milk that gives us sustenance, and that allows us to continue to enjoy corn flakes and cheerios. Meat is also an unfortunate but necessary evil required to survive, so failing these things, I propose a future "Soylent Green" situation, where all meat products will be replaced with a nutritious, mystery gruel; effectively thinning out the prison population, while simultaneously keeping us fit, strong, and able to eat a good steak every now and again.

This petition is asking only for your moral support, and afterward, a great battle of wits and words will have to be waged with lawmakers, judges, and mob bosses alike to allow this, the next vital step in human history, to take place. End overpopulation now! Stop animal suffering now! It is a solution we require, and it is a solution that I have found.

EXCELSIOR!!!!!