Kirsten Dunst/Jake Gyllenhaal Sex Tape

To:  Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal

It has come to our attention that actors Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal are currently dating each other. Though our hearts are broken, we wish the couple much happiness, a healthy sex life, and continuing celebrity.
To that end, we hereby propose that the couple do something that brought greater fame and profit to another couple several years ago. That couple was Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, and that something was "make a sex tape and leak it to the public."
Think about it, Kirsten and Jake: you could be the most famous couple in the universe! Imagine going to any hotel and being able to see yourselves banging on Spectravision! You could even put out more tapes as your relationship progresses, recruiting guest stars (Britney? The Strokes?) when things start to get predictable.
We will gratefully and ecstatically accept any tape you wish to offer us, your viewing public, but just as a suggestion, can it be at least three hours long, action-packed, and not have any of the baby talk or bad guitar playing of the Pamela/Tommy tape? Thank you from the bottom of our shattered hearts. It really is the least you can do.

Sincerely,

The Undersigned

The Kirsten Dunst/Jake Gyllenhaal Sex Tape Petition to Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal was created by and written by Lindsay Robertson.  This petition is hosted here at www.PetitionOnline.com as a public service. There is no express or implied endorsement of this petition by Artifice, Inc. or our sponsors. The petition scripts are created by Mike Wheeler at Artifice, Inc.  For Technical Support please use our simple Petition Help form.

Send this to a friend