For the most part, dissent excepted, we Americans are a tolerant lot. We wish all who live on our teeming shores, and even those who live in the boring, white-bread middle, the right to express themselves in any way that they wish, be it poetry, film, art, drama, or collecting Precious Moments figurines. We are even okay with interpretative dance (although we only pretend to like it because the dancers get all sulky when we dont get it). We realize that the need to create great works of art is a powerful one that can encourage the genius of a Shakespeare, a Picasso, or a Mozart. Unfortunately it also encourages the not-even-in-the-ballpark sub-geniuses like Nicholas Sparks, Thomas Kincade, and the overwrought/under-talented Scott Stapp, but, hey, whatre you gonna do?

But there comes a time when we must stand together as a people, putting aside all of our differences and the fact that some of us look like we got dressed in a house with no mirrors, and put our great big collective foot down and say, This is soooo wrong. Stop. Now. I mean it. Im not kidding around this time. Dont make me stop this car.

That time is now.

According to industry reports, the execrable Ben Affleck and the ubiquitous and execrable Jennifer Lopez intend to do a remake of Casablanca. Thats right, your eyes have not deceived you. Ben as Rick and J-Lo as Ilsa (although, in the remake, theyll probably call her Ilsa from the Block). Its not enough that J-Lo cranks out pap like Maid in Manhattan, The Wedding Planner, Enough or countless other movies that nobody with the emotional intelligence above your average twelve-year old will ever admit to having seen. And its not enough that Ben Affleck remains the movie screens biggest black hole, sucking all life, intelligence, and vitality out of every film he touches. Now they have to do damage to one of the worlds greatest love stories. There ought to be a law.

But there isnt.

That why we have to step in.

We, the happy and loyal citizens of the world, who value good taste almost as much as a good backrub, call upon the Hollywood establishment to have a semblance of common decency, for once in their lives, and halt the ugly juggernaut called J-Lo/Ben as they attempt to satisfy their withered and atrophied souls with a remake of the Bogart/Bergman classic Casablanca.

Have you no decency sirs? At long last, have you no decency?