Give Phil a Mercedes

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    Mercedes-Benz USA, LLC
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We believe that Philip L. Welch is a victim of horrible, unjust economic circumstances, including, but not limited to the following: that he is in no way related to the Rockefeller Family, the owners of the Welch's Juice Company, or Bill Gates; that he has less than $1000 in his bank account and no money in his wallet; and that he has no car.

We believe that while the first circumstance cannot be rectified and the second circumstance is up to Mr. Welch to fix, the third circumstance is intolerable, because it subjects Mr. Welch to the inconvenience of having to use public transportation to carry his dutifully purchased Dr. Pepper products back and forth from the grocery store. Multiple times, this has resulted in fatigue for Mr. Welch and damage to the products in question during transport.

We believe that due to collusion between international corporations and major world governments, there is now a massive conspiracy to taunt Mr. Welch over his car-less status, and the only just compensation for this is for Mr. Welch to not only own a car, but to own a cool enough car that he can transport himself and his belongings in suitable comfort and luxury to adequately compensate for the injustice of his car-less lifestyle.

Therefore, we propose the following:

1. That Mercedes-Benz USA, LLC provide to Mr. Welch a Mercedes-Benz SL500 roadster, configured to Mr. Welch's preferences, regardless of cost.
2. That, given Mr. Welch's poor economic circumstances, Mercedes-Benz provide Mr. Welch with a maintenance and refueling budget sufficient to keep the automobile in prime condition throughout its working life.

We believe that in addition to rectifying the injustice done against Mr. Welch, this will have the following benefits for society:

1. Mr. Welch's sex appeal will be boosted significantly, thus allowing Mr. Welch to more widely distribute his superior genetic material, fathering many similarly brilliant children who will foster a second Renaissance.
2. The resultant publicity from such an unprecedented gift will gain Mercedes-Benz significant mindshare, as they will be portrayed as generous benefactors. As a result, many prospective consumers will be saved from the fate of driving a car that in no way equals a Mercedes-Benz in quality.
3. Mr. Welch will be able to get around more to spread his brilliant ideas about the reform of modern society, quite possibly preventing the collapse of civilization as we know it.

Obviously, there is no question as to what must be done. We feel that the small loss to a rich corporation such as Mercedes-Benz USA, LLC will be more than outweighed by the gain to society resulting from this course of action.