To the College of Cardinals:

We, members of (and potential converts to) the Holy Roman Catholic Church, do hereby petition and beseech as follows:

In departure from the longstanding tradition of raising a Cardinal or Archbiship to the papacy, the College of Cardinals should elect Paul Hewson, also known as "Bono," as the successor to Pope John Paul II.

We offer the following reasons for this petition:

1. He's Catholic. That's presumably a prerequisite.

2. He's Irish. Can you believe there's never been an Irish pope? What's up with that?

3. He's already got the nom de pope lined up. Bono Vox I. Has a ring to it, doncha think?

4. Like his successor, he's already been recognized as an international humanitarian -- how many popes have been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize before they even made it to the Vatican?

5. Old and busted: Gregorian chants. New hotness: "Vertigo."

6. If you think Holy Week is a blast now, wait until it features live concerts with the pope climbing up on the basilica dome, leaning out and crooning "Gloria" to the crowd. "Edge ... play Te Deum."

7. Pope John Paul II covered 700,000 miles or so on his papal visits. That's a high standard. It's gonna take some serious touring to meet it. Probably an album-and-a-half's worth of concerts.

Seven seems like a good sacred number to give it up on. Do the right thing.